Baby only settles with mum? Here's how to bring dad into settling and sleep
The first thing I want you to know is that strong parental preference for mum comes up in most of my consults! On the list of goals for many families I work with is for baby to be able to settle with dad.
One thing that I’ve found many people assume, is that for baby to settle with someone else, mum needs to stop feeding to sleep.
This isn’t actually the case, and I work with many clients’ little ones (not to mention my own children, too!) who feed to sleep with mum and settle beautifully in another way with dad, grandma or educators at daycare.
If feeding to sleep works for you and babe, you don’t need to stop just so someone else can settle them.
Instead of mum having to change what is working for her, we can support baby to develop another connected, comfortable pathway to sleep with dad!
Let’s talk about how.
Start outside of sleep.
Before we ask dad to take over one of baby’s most vulnerable moments, we want to invest in the connection during the day and over time.
Looking through an attachment-based lens, the relationship itself is what gives a caregiver their ability to lead, comfort and care for a child.
So we don’t want to just focus on ‘settling skills’! We continue to support and strengthen attachment.
Think:
regular 1:1 time - take baby out for dad dates!
cuddles, dancing and physical, active play - have lots of fun together
bath time
babywearing or walks together, baby facing dad if in the pram for connection
comforting when baby is upset
feeding solids
establish rituals that belong just to dad and bub. Enjoyable or special things they only do with dad.
Wherever possible, we want to give dad opportunity to be the source of comfort. This is where the 1:1 time is so important. If mum is there, babe will understandably be defaulting to her!
When mum is unavailable (having a nap, coffee with a friend, maybe a massage..?), there is space for babe to look to dad as the primary source of care (even if by default initially)!
To be clear, I’m not at all suggesting we withhold mum’s comfort to force independence! This is about creating space for dad to be able to meet this need outside of sleep (where his care is often more easily accepted!) first.
The more 1:1 time together, the more baby can realise that dad’s an excellent option too!
Add extra options in.
Before dad even attempts settling to sleep, mum can start laying the foundations! Before we take away the feed to sleep by asking babe to settle with dad, we can add something else in that they can both then rely on.
You can keep feeding exactly as you usually would, but alongside this feed, intentionally layer in other comforts that dad will be able to use too.
Maybe while feeding, you also:
pat or rub their back
stroke their hair or face
shush rhythmically
sing or hum the same song
use a familiar sleepy phrase you repeat over
rock or sway while feeding
give a hand massage
give arm/leg squeezes rhythmically
Whatever you find babe responds well to, finds comforting, and doesn’t distract from the feed to sleep. Once you find one or two that work well, do them every time you settle bub to sleep.
At first, these additional comforts aren’t replacing anything - babe is still falling asleep in their favourite, familiar way. What we are doing, is associating these new comfort tools with falling asleep calmly and easily.
This gives dad something genuinely comforting and familiar to work with! And it gives bub some pathways to sleep that can still be there even when mum isn’t.
Instead of taking away baby’s strongest sleep association and replacing it with something completely unfamiliar, we’ve already built a bridge.
Give the wind down to dad.
While mum still settles to sleep most or even every night initially, dad can take over the lead up to bedtime! Make it fun, connected, then calm and comforting.
Maybe dad could do something like:
bath → getting dressed → books → cuddles/rock → into sleeping bag and then mum feeds, sings and pats to sleep.
When you are all ready, it could become:
bath → getting dressed → feed with mum or bottle with dad if it’s an option → books → cuddles → into sleeping bag → dad rocks, sings and pats to sleep.
Okay, but what if even after all the prep, baby cries really hard with dad?
I hear you! This is so hard!
Firstly, please know that if this is happening for you, you’re not alone and you’re not doing it wrong. It’s so so normal and is not a reflection on baby’s love or attachment to their dad. It’s actually a beautiful reflection of their attachment to mum! And despite what you might read on the internet (especially if you’re on ‘sleep training’ algorithm), your child can’t be too attached to you.
However, I know it can feel super stressful. So let’s talk about it.
A baby crying in the arms of a loving, responsive caregiver is not the same as being left alone to cry.
The aim is not actually to stop the crying, as hard as it is. We want bub to communicate their feelings to us, and crying is communication!
The aim is to support bub through these feelings in a responsive, loving, safe way.
We don’t want to just silence the crying - we want to support baby to regulate and find calm again through co-regulation. We want to allow them to express and move through their feelings.
This is where I find Neufeld’s concept of the adaptive process really helpful.
Sometimes our babies have something they desperately want but can’t have - maybe mum is out, maybe their favourite toy is in the wash, maybe they want to play with the knives or scissors!? Things we either can’t change, or can’t allow.
They will of course, likely have some very real feelings about not being able to have what they want. That’s okay and fair.
Dad’s job here is to be the safe place in which those feelings are experienced. To respond, comfort, support and to offer co-regulation, even when bub can’t have what they want in that moment.
There can be tears and strong attachment at the same time.
Responsive caregiving is about staying in relationship with baby through their distress.
Sometimes co-regulation results in the crying stopping quickly, but sometimes baby might get incredibly upset. Temperament factors in a lot here!
But supporting and staying with is what matters.
And I know, this is so much easier said than done. When your baby is screaming in your arms despite your best efforts to calm and comfort, it’s incredibly difficult to remain calm yourself. Your nervous system will be firing!
So here are some helpful, regulating things to try before and during settling:
consciously slow your breathing with some deep intentional breaths
drop your shoulders and unclench your jaw
shake it out! Or bounce on an exercise ball
hum (fairly loudly), which can help regulate both of you!
pop your headphones in and listen to something calming
If baby becomes too distressed, it’s too stressful, and it’s just not going well, dad absolutely can sub out. You do not have to just push through it, especially if it’s not feeling right. It’s not a fail - this stuff can be incredibly hard! You can take a step back and try again later.
Make a back up plan.
Before dad attempts settling, make a plan together. Talk through things like:
will mum physically leave the house when dad first does bedtime so baby knows it’s all dad tonight?
if babe gets quite upset, how upset is too upset? How long do you both feel comfortable with trying to settle if they are distressed?
what is the plan if you reach the limit? Does dad text mum to come in? Or does mum come in after a set period of time if bub is still crying?
Having a back up plan in advance is empowering and stress reducing for everyone.
Your baby doesn’t need dad to become or replace mum. And mum doesn’t need to completely change what is working for her so that dad can be part of their sleep and settling too.
With some time, consistency and intentionality, babe will more and more easily be able to settle with their loving, safe dad.
